A Refiner's Fire

I suppose it is time to start putting my thoughts out there once again...  I forget how much easier life is to deal with when my thoughts aren't only swimming in my own head.  I should keep a journal, but I just don't....  Well, I do, but it is about as successful as this blog....

Yesterday evening was one of the craziest to date since being on our own with the littles.  I found myself working really hard to keep it all together and had one of those growing/maturing moments.  As Spencer was getting ready for yet another campout - that I really didn't want him to go on since it would have been my first night alone since having three kids, and Declan is barely two months old and still unpredictable - I found myself actually able to suppress my anxiety and erratic emotional outbursts and accomplish the task at hand.  Creating order out of chaos.

Delcan had received most of his immunizations (we opted to do HepB later), and just woke up from his nap only to be totally and completely uncomfortable and he chose to make sure our entire neighborhood was aware of his pain.  Norah is getting over an ear infection and decided she would be happiest being held... or fed...  Alice really just wanted to be with Daddy, but he was running around trying to get ready for his campout and couldn't ensure her safety outside so she kept being brought inside.  So with three children taking turns overlapping their meltdowns Spencer seemed very discouraged.  He even, at one point, asked if he needed to cancel the camp out.  Instead of melting down myself, because I very much could have, I found myself putting a smile on my face and actually reassuring Spencer that I could handle it just fine and that the kids would be fine once things were settled. Almost as all the calming reassurances left my mouth I wondered if I had been possessed by a saint.  What was I saying!?  Because I wanted to be saying, "YES, stay home! Save me from all of this chaos!  Hug me and let me cry! I don't want to do this! ....I can't do this..." Of course, I know that it was the strength the Lord gave me that ensured everyone's safety and kept me from melting down, and those were the things Spencer needed to see and hear to be able to fulfill his calling with the scouts and provide these young boys with experiences they need to become whom the Lord would have them become, but still!  The kids were all freaking out, everyone I trusted and wanted to stay with me had plans or obligations, and I was just short of breaking down and crying.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, I was able to calm everyone down and Declan cried so hard he just wore himself out and fell asleep (which is unusual for the evening, because he is usually just fussy from 7-9 pm), Norah and Alice started playing together and I actually had a chance to breathe and skype with my mom and sister (which I so desperately needed).

I know that the Lord gave me strength among the chaos surrounding motherhood and wifehood, and I know that even though I was 100% irritated that the one night Spencer was gone all hell broke loose in the Hall household, the Lord provided a way for me to once again bring order to all things gone wrong and left me with three beautiful, strong, healthy babies that help me find joy in the life I have.

I am grateful for these opportunities for growth (after the growing is done of course), and I wouldn't trade the life I have for anything!  Once in a while, though, it would be nice if it didn't take so many meltdowns in one night to help me grow, mature, and learn the ins and outs of mommyhood... just sayin'...

The night ended with these three babies happy and content that mommy hadn't lost her cool and they repayed me by going to bed easily.  All is once again right with the world... granted, their not up yet, so  this will be short lived, but, by golly, a short life is better than none!